Owning My Story- Part 1

What our eyes see on the outside isn’t always the full picture. Others lives may appear beautiful and appealing to you but you never know how much fighting it took them to get there or even their current battle. You never know the battles won, and maybe even a few lost. The fighting it took, the determination, and the story that is produced from the battle is part of our testimony. So what’s my story? There have definitely been struggles, battles, full on World Wars but there have also been sweet victories….some victories that nearly took the life out of me. I’m still a work in progress, but I do have a story to tell. Don’t we all? 

We are in such a sweet season of life right now, enjoying the simple things, spending time with each other…simply, enjoying life. Don’t think for a minute that’s been the norm from the get go.  We’ve walked through the fire, the valley, the rough spot, hell on earth, whatever you want to call it. We’ve plowed through hard…dreaming of the days life would be easier. We’ve sat in counseling sessions dreaming of the days our marriage would thrive and not be in crisis mode. We dreamed of a heart filled with peace….and a heart of joy just seemed like an unattainable gift that we would never reach. As a matter of fact, I remember being pregnant with our 2^nd son. We were in a meeting at church and a woman gave me a prophetic word. She said, “There is a season of joy coming. You’ve not had that. You don’t even remember what that feels like. Life has been hard. The joy will return. There is a season of joy coming.” I stared in hopes that she was right, but deep down I knew it was too good to be true. There is no.way.in.the.world. she could be talking to me. The last 12 years prior to this had sucked been extremely hard with no end in sight. I was sitting there with a rather large 8 month belly, but the thing that was weighing me down more was the elephant on my chest. Would it ever move? With circumstances of life, there seemed to be a new labels taped over my heart and soul often: fear, insecurity, shame, not worthy, unloved, guilt, rejection, inadequate, father wounds….oh the father wounds. Did I mention insecurity? Would they ever be ripped off and gone for good or was I stuck with them? Will life ever be “normal?” What the heck is normal? Whatever it was, it had to be better than our current state. I was out of steam. Out of hope. Out of dreams. Out of desire to work at anything. I felt defeated and alone. Oh Jesus. I need you. This is a time in my life I refer to as hell on earth “The Crash”. For the next few posts, my heart is to take you down a path of where a lot of this started…where the hurt began and the healing work God has done in my heart since.  My prayer is that you would have hope that your heart can be fully restored, your father wounds can be healed, and that you would always know that even in the darkest night of your soul, there is hope and a love far beyond what your current circumstances may be whispering.